Deep Waters

Wow, what a difference a few days can make. One day you see your loved one, so strong and courageous, fighting illness off well, and the next day you see utter despair, weeping and grieving. I do not want to be premature, on the contrary, I am an optimist at heart, however.... My Dad's physical and emotional health has declined more than I have seen in the months I have been here in the last few days. He is no longer coming to the table for lunch or dinner, and my dear stepmom is hand feeding him at times. My Dad knows that to eat means life, and his body may be shutting down and telling him, no it's time to stop...God designed our bodies beautifully perfect, and the body knows how to die well given it's natural state. I do not want to say this is it, but it hurts to see this now. Dad's chemistries(bloodwork) were amazingly normal on the 15th Sept. The only thing off being he was anemic and had a low potassium, the potassium issue he has had for years. The insurance finally precertified his requested CT scan-oh, the woes of revoking hospice so you can receive care that enables you to see how your disease is progressing...I have spent more time on the phone with medicare, his insurance suppletment, drug prescription program, and the doctors trying to reinstate his insurance. Hospice is not something to just jump into because it is difficult to go back to "normal" care again. All this to say, you cannot predict what cancer will do, nor when. As I have written before, I never forsaw how well he would be doing 7 months after this terrible diagnosis. My Dad has been so strong, not complaining about his pain, as you hear from other patients with pancreatic cancer. He has been a pillar for us, offering up to God whom he knows has his life in his hands. My Dad has seen so many things in his 87 years and really has had a wonderful contenance. Even with all his quirks and idiosyncracies... It hurts so to watch again, just like I experienced with my Mom, the facing of losing someone who sacrificed so much to help you be at a place you would be at today. These last few days my Daddy has weakened, and I see the weariness of battling this disease. He has repeatedly told me, his wife, my younger brother that he does not have long. He knows, his body is telling him with his failing appetite. He wept about not being alive for the election(although that might not be such a bad thing), and not being to able to go back to the Philippines, which really breaks my heart... But, he still has some fight in him. He is going to try megace(hormones that increase your appetite, funny, it is progesterone, the pregnancy hormone). We have had "discussions" about what happens immediately after death, do you sleep and rise again at the final day or are you immediately in the presence of Jesus awaiting the final day to receive your eternal body. I know what I believe and with that he still wrestles...he accepts both of them however, I disagree with some of his theology, which is OK, I will see him again regardless. I may be wrong, he may have more days than I think. And I would be happy with that! Yet... I am weary. He is weary. We are all sad yet we have hope. Our waters are heavy, please pray for us when you think of it.